On a Friday evening about 40 years ago, our family was forced to make one of the most difficult decisions imaginable.
The Huberman family is a close one.
Anchored by our paternal grandparents, Bubbie Rivka Zaidie Duddy, we grew up honoring our cherished eastern European roots, while being encouraged to embrace the future.
So, when I received a phone call from my father to inform me that Bubbie Rivka had been diagnosed with cancer, and would not likely live more than three to six months, my heart sank.
We knew this day would one day comebut then an opportunity presented itself.
“Your cousin Celia is getting married in a month,” said my father. “Maybe it would be a good idea to come in with your family and let Bubbie—while she is still with us—meet your new daughter.”
We agreed, and three weeks later, we were on our way to Toronto to spend time with Bubbie, and attend the wedding. But God had other plans. On the Friday of our arrival, Bubbie took a bad turn. Her cancer had accelerated, and she was barely conscious.
But, in one of her last acts of free will, she handed Jessica a new Cabbage Patch doll.
Bubbie closed her eyes and passed away—in her 10th decade—four hours later.
It was a time of great sorrow. But there was also reflective joy. She had given life to four children, 11 grandchildren and a great granddaughter. She made each of us feel that we were the most special.
Each of us felt crushed. But then reality set in. There was a wedding planned less than two days from her passing.
Do we cancel, or do we proceed? Ultimately, a decision was reached.
Our family laid Bubbie Rivka to rest in the morning, and Celia was married a few hours later.
My father and three siblings attended the wedding, stayed for the first L’chaim, and then returned home to begin the mourning.
The rest of us stayed and partied in the most joyous way that we could.
Someone later asked, “How could you hold a funeral and a wedding on the same day?” And for a few hours after Bubbie’ death we asked the same question.
So, we contacted the Huberman family rabbi in Toronto, Rabbi Raphael Marcus, of blessed memory, who quoted a verse from this week’s Torah portion.
“I call heaven and earth to witness you today: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse—therefore choose life!” (Deuteronomy 30:19)
“U’Vecharta V’chaim.” Choose life. And from that moment, those two words would become my most favorite in the Torah.
If you look below my lectern on the bimah during the High Holidays, you will notice an olivewood bookstand which I purchased many years ago in Jerusalem.
When the craftsperson asked what verse or words I would like inscribed on the bottom, I quickly replied, “U’Vecharta V’chaim.”
It means during times of decision, when we consider whether to stand pat or move forward, we advance—sometimes with caution and sometimes even with a broken heart. “U’Vecharta V’chaim.”
It means when we are feeling stagnant or cynical, when we are reluctant to take the next step, we incline ourselves toward the possibility of joy and happiness. We choose life.
It even means as we approach the High Holidays, when some of us may feel we are done growing—that there is nothing new to learn, that we are who we are—we plot a course for the next challenge, the next improvement. And in so doing, we choose life.
More love. More patience. Rearranging our priorities. We look at ourselves in the mirror and reply, U’Vecharta V’chaim.”
It may even be punchline of the Torah. That we are never finished until our last breath—that our life’s journey is never complete.
This past week, a cherished relative, who I hadn’t spoken with in a year, called. We grew up a few blocks from each other.
At first, I thought it was a Shannah Tovah call, but there was more.
“I need to ask you something,” she began. “I have been diagnosed with cancer, and the only time they can fit me for surgery is the day before Rosh Hashanah.
“Should I skip shul and pray for health, or should I have the procedure?”
And I told her of the story of Bubbie and the wedding, and that the eternal story for each or us is based on two works contained in this week’s Torah portion.
That when in doubt, we choose life. For God prefers us to be vibrant living contributors on this earth, rather than stagnant passengers on a stagnant journey.
Tradition tells us that we can sacrifice almost any law if it means respecting Pikuach Nefesh—the protection of body and soul.
So, the decision was made to proceed next Wednesday with lifesaving surgery.
And so, 40 years after the passing of our Bubbie Rivka, and the celebration of a memorable wedding, this thought comes to mind: Even during times of sorrow, even when every pore in our body tells us to retreat, we—as Jews, and as a people—do not lay down passively.
To this day, Bubbie’s passing reminds me to set our sights on the future. It’s the way she would have wanted, as she encouraged each of us in our way to choose life.
That whenever we are weighing two alternatives—the blessings and curses—we embrace the blessings, and most of all, in the words of this week’s Torah portion.
“U”Vecharta V’chaim.”
We chose life.
Shabbat shalom, v’kol tuv.
Rabbi Irwin Huberman